Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Free newspapers, ditches and conspiracies

A vast majority of families in Fayette County have a free newspaper tossed in their yard each week. Some receive two, some three. There are two freebies that go out on Thursday, one on Wednesday.

All lay claim to a circulation of around 26,000 papers I think. I "assume" (but don't know) that the number claimed includes the stacks left at the Chamber of Commerce, libraries, local gyms and other places. I "assume" (but don't know) that the number includes the ones placed in boxes for sale around the county.

The point of today's missive isn't about the actual circulation.

It's about ditches.

We only get one paper on our street each week. I'm not sure how the paper's break down the area they distribute their free papers. I've lived in four locations in the county and have only received one of the three papers no matter where I live. Same one. I know others who receive different papers, so I'm not doubting for a minute that some are getting out, I just don't know the areas they've chosen to toss their papers.

We have a wide, very wide, driveway.

On either side of the driveway, we have ditches.

Each week, without fail, the free newspaper ends up in the ditch.

It's a ditch conspiracy.

The people across the street have ditches. The people to the left and right have ditches.

I've been watching. Their paper ends up on their driveways the vast majority of the time. When it isn't on the driveway, it isn't in the ditch either, it's on the grassy part of the yard behind the ditch. No climbing down in ditches to get it for our neighbors, oh no.

It's a ditch conspiracy. It's a game. They singled us out because we have the widest driveway on the street. Ours should be the easiest to hit.

If I didn't mind a trashy yard, I'd let the newspapers pile up in the ditch.

I know the person who tosses out the papers must live somewhere nearby. They zip down the road early, early, toss our paper into the ditch. Then they go home and sleep for a few hours. They know our routine by now. After all, they've been tossing it that same ditch for the past four years...

They sit somewhere safe, with their binoculars, or better yet, their camera, and wait for us to slide down into the ditch to get the paper. Somewhere there is a YouTube video with nothing on it but people like us slipping and sliding down into a ditch to get a soggy plastic wrapped paper.

All across the county, paper delivery people are watching their chosen victims as they tumble and contort to try and reach that plastic wrapped paper. Maybe they sit around at special occasions showing their favorite videos. Maybe they have paper delivery contests for the most trouble, the funniest or the most dangerous attempt to get the paper.

We may be slow, but we finally figured out a way to thwart their Candid Camera moment. We have a rake that we now use to grab the paper out of the ditch.

So there wicked paper tossing video making delivery person. That's the last time you'll win a video contest with us in it.

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